I killed my baby, will God forgive me?

Twenty years ago, I was a feelings junkie. I only thought of myself and made decisions based upon what I felt at the moment which left me an emotional wreck. Eventually, I found and accepted forgiveness which changed my life forever.

It only took one month after my wedding day before I got lonely. My husband was thousands of miles away on assignment so I started an affair. I told myself I would be a faithful wife once he got back. The only reason I married was to ensure my daughter knew her father and I could get off welfare.

I didn’t love him. He betrayed me a year earlier. He dumped me when I told him I was having his kid. I didn’t see or hear from him for nearly a year. I felt betrayed because of his lack of commitment, and I hung onto that anger and resentment.

I denied my God-given gift of conscience. and justified it, excused it, and reasoned to cope better with my internal struggle. This seemed to help me keep the guilt of my affair silent.

I dropped my baby girl off at her Nana’s every weekend. Being 18, I could party with my ex, and do all the things other kids my aged did. I was such a selfish mother, I would even drop my baby off when she was sick with a bag of her medicine. I loved my baby but my selfish needs outweighed my love for her. During that time, I first experimented with drugs. I was able to get high and repress my feelings of guilt and shame. I felt so free.
I was a teen wife, having an affair with a man with endless party and drug connections.

My reckless behavior eventually caught up with me. While my husband was in another country, a pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear. I couldn't tell anyone. I had to hide my affair or my husband would divorce me and my baby would lose her father. He already dumped me once before.

My mother was the last person I wanted to turn to- she hated my husband and marriage. There was no way I would give her any opportunity to say “I told you so.” I scheduled the abortion. I did tell one person-my best-friend.
She told me it was a baby. I disagreed with her and explained it wasn’t a baby because it didn’t have a heart beat yet. Despite our differing views and her moral compass, she agreed to keep this a secret and watch the baby while my boyfriend drove me to the abortion clinic.

I walked across the street toward the door of the busy east side clinic. A mob of protesters held signs they yelled and chanted. I don’t remember exactly what they said-except a voice stood out ‘You don’t have to do this!’ I was scared. The protestors looked so angry and mean.

As I came closer to the entrance, a friendly-looking man with silver hair opened the door and asked if I was there for medical services. I nodded. He was warm, inviting, and friendly unlike the "angry" mob on the sidewalk.

A big sign read on the reception window read, “All health services must be paid in advance. Cash or Credit only no Check, no refunds, no exceptions” I thought, Who the hell would want to deal with an abortion refund? Explain that one.

I reviewed the paperwork and was taken back for an ultrasound. I refused to look at the monitor. But curiosity captured me- I had to peek. It didn’t look like much at all but I saw the pulse of the baby’s beating heart. The nurse confirmed it was the heartbeat and estimated about 4.5 weeks pregnant- I looked away quickly. The nurse almost said it was too early to do the abortion, but I insisted it had to come out today.

I didn’t want anything to change my mind. I told myself it still wasn’t a baby. I just wanted it over.

I waited in an upstairs lobby for nearly an hour for my name to be called. Being an observer, I studied the women while waiting, my boyfriend pointed out that each woman had her legs politely crossed. How ironic, all of us including myself had our legs crossed.

The nurse call my name. How embarrassing to hear own my name said aloud. They could have given me an alias or perhaps a first name only. As I followed the nurse to the procedure area, I heard her voice repeating in my head. Only instead of hearing my name, I heard:  you whore, you slut, you white trash, cheater.

The procedure area was a large room divided by curtains, making it easy for the doctor to work his way around the room quickly, one abortion after another, after another. I requested Twilight Sleep. I didn’t want to remember this part, but I wasn’t given the right dose-I felt every thing. I remember the nurse standing at my side telling me it would be over soon. I believed her, but little did I know the pain and guilt of that day would last for years.

A loud vacuum-like machine was turned on as the doctor preformed the procedure. The nurse asked if he had gotten all of it. After carefully studying the shallow petri dish and equipment, the doctor replied ‘Yes, I got it all.’

Before I knew it, the abortion was over and I was taken to sit in a recovery room. There were oversized leather recliners, a private bathroom and a table in the corner with drinks and snacks. I sat there feeling fine but confused-it was over quick. I watched a nurse bring in another woman. The nurse lead her to the recliner across from me. She was doped up on twilight sleep, Groggy and sleepy. As soon as she lay on the chair, she was out.
I remembered her Asian face from the waiting room. She was dressed in a red suite, well-manicured hair and nails and bright red lipstick to match. I thought maybe she was on her lunch break from some big downtown firm. In the waiting room, she looked confident with the decision she made.

As I saw her passed out, she looked rather broken. Wearing sweats and new white socks, mascara ran down her cheek, and the red lipstick was gone and her hair a mess. She looked different from the professional woman in the waiting room. I wondered how this confident well-dressed woman could choose abortion.

Sitting at the snack table, a woman asked me if this was my first abortion. I nodded. She told me that this was her 3rd or 4th. "This time I was only 12 weeks, but some time ago I had one at 19 weeks." she said. This 20 something woman, made casual chit-chat as if we just donated blood, she snacked on juice and crackers and shared all her abortion stories.

It felt like a scene from the twilight Zone. Despite being fully awake and able to understand everything, the world was fuzzy and dream-like. Listening to her rehash her abortions, I realized I came to the wrong place. I couldn’t stand listening to her abortion chit-chat anymore. I heart started to pound and race. I felt sick. I jumped out of my chair and raced to get dressed. I had to get out of that clinic as fast as I could. But I felt like I was moving in slow motion.

I left the recovery room. The nurse tried to persuade me to stay and wait. I stood in her face and demanded she let me go. I walked through the full waiting room hoping no one would know what I did- but everyone was there for the same thing. Still feeling the drug’s side effects, I staggered down the steps and left out the front door.

When I got outside, the protesters were gone, the car and boyfriend I came with were also gone. The street was quieter than when I first arrived-no traffic, no yelling, no chanting, no chaos- nothing. Time stopped. Everyone was gone. I felt alone and abandoned. I found my boyfriend in another parking lot just to the south of the clinic. He had a surprised look on his face to see me done so quickly. I was surprised he didn’t wait in the lobby for me. I told him I had to get out of there now. Then I got a glimpse of his mother. She was yelling. ‘Did she have an abortion?’ She yelled profanities and vulgar attacks at me. We got in the car and left.

When we arrived back at my apartment, my friend stood in my living room with her arms crossed and waited for me to say something. "It's over. " I said. She had a cold and disgusted look on her face.
it was a day from hell and continued for weeks as the news spread of my abortion.

I thought I could keep everything a secret. Not my luck. This obsessed woman called everyone I knew to exploit my abortion. My mother, my husband’s mother, friends, and even my mother’s employer got a call from her. My private and secret medical procedure became public discussion. She wasn't the only person to share MY life. My best friend told one person who told another, and so on. The one person I trusted, betrayed me.


For nearly 10 years, abortion wasn’t a word in my vocabulary. I avoided the choice/life discussions and debates. I remained quiet. I thought if I gave my opinion, I would reveal my secret and cause more judgment. Where did I truly stand on the issue? I didn’t know. I wanted to defend my side but remained silent due to overwhelming guilt and shame. I was confused and tried to work it out in my head- alone. If I kept it to myself, it would be like it never happened. I didn’t understand the mixed feelings happening inside me. I was torn between right and wrong.

I couldn’t justify choice because it was a terrible experience. Plus, burned in my memory was a picture of the Asian woman passed out in that recliner- broken and demoralized. I couldn’t shout pro-life either. That would mean I would be condemning myself. I reasoned that my choice was necessary to avoid a change in my life. My choice haunted me.

Years later during a job interview at a pro-life pregnancy center, I was confronted head on with my abortion. I couldn’t stay silent-I couldn’t run away anymore. I shared for the first time, on my own terms that I had an abortion a 10 years earlier. Part of the job requirement was to participate in a post-abortion counseling. I only agreed because of my need to bring in a paycheck. I was unemployed and needed money. God had closed all the other job option and the 100+ resumes I sent out.

The counseling opened my eyes and softened my heart to the sin of what I did. I murdered my baby. Oh my God. Slowly the condemnation, shame and guilt, that I felt for years was replaced by grief and sorrow.
The study of select scriptures also revealed a loving God. I learned He hated what I did, but deeply loved me. I was able to accept His gift of forgiveness. In turn, I learned to forgive or let go of hurt  me during that experience: My boyfriend, his mother and her hurtful words, my best friend for the judgmental behavior and betrayal, the doctor and entire staff at the abortion clinic, the protesters who did nothing to help my situation, and eventually myself.

Eventually, my grief and sorrow faded away and I was left with one thing to do- grieve. I needed time to mourn the death of my baby- I did so for the next year. Tears and sadness filled my heart, I was so sad. That little heart beat blob, became my real baby that died. Her name was Katie.

Today I can openly share my experiences because I know 1 in 4 Christian women are affected by abortion. Most women live their whole lives with a similar history. Many women desperately want to eliminate the shame and guilt they feel, but they can't because this choice silently haunts them for years.

I know firsthand God forgives those who truly repent, turn from their sinful ways and ask for His help. Looking back, I now see that my reasoning was a false security because I lacked faith. God turned my life around from being a self-condemning sinner and feelings junkie to a forgiven, loved by God woman.

My husband forgave me and we've been married for almost 21 years. My best friend forgave me but have never restored a relationship. We moved on, but we were never the same.

Today, I have the best friend in the world, a friend who's always been faithful and never abandoned me or betrayed me. Who always looks out of me and gives the best advice. His name is Immanuel. God-fearing woman. I love God and his Word.  Loved by God woman!